Fallen Angel
by Azure7
Summary: Sometimes it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I just want to stop. To turn around and look back. But I don't look back. I never look back. But maybe this time I should. Time is delicate, I know that now.
1. Fallen Tears

_Authors Note: Hey, I live in New Zealand and we haven's had Season 6 yet. So I don't know about the alliance Cruz and Faith formed or her realtonship with Santigo (spelling) I just know that Bosco got shot and is now in hospital._

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters._

_Fallen Angel_

_**Chapter 1**_

**Fallen Tears**

Sometimes it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I just want to stop. To turn around and look back. But I can't. I won't. I can't turn around. I won't look back. I have too many pains. Too many memories. Most are bad. Some are good. People say I push them away. Do you think I enjoy pushing people away? I don't. I never will. But pushing people away is what I do best. First my sister and now him. But I was just using him. Playing with his mind. I never loved him. At least that's what I keep telling myself. He didn't love me. No one could ever love me. I am who I am and no one can ever change that. I'm strong, I stand up for what I believe in. Some would say those are good qualities. What would you do if you grew up like I did? Thinking that everyone hated you and if you wanted to get anywhere you had to push. I don't need anyone. At least that's what I keep telling everyone. So I pushed and I'll keep on pushing till I get to the top. Apparently it's safe up there. Sometimes I just wish he would save me. Take me away from everything, from everyone. But why would he want me back? I treated him like dirt. Then his brother, that was all my fault. But it wasn't, it wasn't my fault. Who am I kidding? I'm selfish. I only think about myself. Well, that would be the definition.

"Are you going to vist him?" Monroe asked me.

I blinked. Pretended that I didn't hear that. But I did. I just didn't have an answer.

"Come on Cruz, it's the least you can do," She told me.

I blinked again. My eyebrows narrowed and I glared at her, "The least I can do? I haven't done anything!" Well that was a lie if I've ever heard one.

She sighed,"Cruz, you know I didn't mean it like that."

Of course I knew she didn't mean it like that. How could Monroe ever say something wrong? I gulped back my words as I stared into space. She doesn't know that I respect her. I could never say anything bad about her. She was the only one who was there for me when I was...I got...God, how strong am I? I can't even say the words. Sometimes I wonder if he had known sooner, would he of been there for me too? He let me beat the shit out of the guy though. Not that I really hurt him. I could of. I don't know why I didn't kill him. Then and there. He deserved it. But does anyone really deserve to die? To be locked up, but to die?

"So, are you?" Monroe asked me. Avoiding eye contact.

I lowered my gaze to the ground,"Like he would want me there."

Her eyes darted across the table. What could she say? She knew I was right.

"Cruz, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do." She told me.

I rolled my eyes. Like I hadn't heard that one before.

"So are we still on for coffee?" She asked me.

My gaze met her's and I smiled. I hardly ever smile and she knew that. Ever since the...incident we've been going out for coffee. Kind of like a regular event. Every Tuesday. I suppose some would call us friends. I don't. I don't want to jinx it. I'm not good at keeping friends. I wonder how long this one will last. I'm used to having no friends. Some would say I'm a loner but no one would ever dare say that to my face. I don't care what other people think of me. I'm like the grey ceiling of the earth. Waiting for the sun to take me away.

"I suppose so," I answered as I twiddled a strand of my dark hair around my fingers.

She smiled,"Well, I'll see you later then," She told me as she got up and left the room.

I sat there for awhile. Drowning in my thoughts. I'm not as bad as they say I am. Really. People think I'm cold. That I have no feelings. I do have feelings. Sometimes, I wish I didn't.  
I slowly stood up and grabbed my jacket from my locker. I pressed my fingers against the cold metal and closed my eyes. Just for a moment. Sudden foosteps came into the room. I turned around, hand on my gun. Ready for anything.

Faith.

Except for that.

I took my fingers away from my gun. She hadn't noticed. I'm glad she didn't. I nodded towards her and she nodded back. I could tell she had been crying. Not in the mood to argue. Not in the mood for anything. I was going to ask if she was allright. I swear that thought past my mind. Do something nice for a change, but I thought better of it. I followed her gaze to the locker that once belonged to him. My gaze soon ended on the floor.

"How is he?" I asked.

I was prepared for a scream.I was prepared for anything. Verbal abuse pushing me to the floor. But she didn't. She just blinked.

"He will be allright."

I nodded. That's all I did. But inside I was relieved. All the blood. I just didn't think he would make it. Not everyone does.

The unnerving silence was soon interuppted by a tear that fell to the the floor. I looked away from her. I absolutely hated when people felt sorry for me. But I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. I made my way right past her. Ignoring the heavy sobs that fell from her lips. I didn't look back. I never do.

I walked home that day. Watching the sun play hide and seek with the clouds. Watching the leaves dance around the trees. I would never admit I enjoyed these things.

I opened the door to my apartment and went to my phone. No one had called. I don't know why I bother.

I sat down at my table and closed my eyes. I would do anything to turn back time. Tell him I'm sorry. Tell him I did love him. There, I said it. I was in love with Maurice Boscorelli. But it was just hormones. It couldn't of been anything real.

A gust of wind flew in through my open window. Bits of paper flew everywhere. But only one caught my eye. It was a picture of him. I held it in my hands until it became wet. Tears flooded down my cheeks and I screamed. I just screamed. I kept screaming until I had to stop. But I don't stop. I will never stop. What else can I do? I hate myself for what I've done to him. I hate hating myself. I loved him. I still do. Can I be forgiven? Will he forgive me? Will anyone forgive me? I can't help what I've done. I can't help hurting people. How did I end up like this? How did we end up like this? I stopped screaming but the tears kept falling from my eyes. I once swore to myself that I would never cry. I can't cry. I won't. But I am. I'm crying now. Stupid emotional hormones. I hate myself for what I've done. I can't make it right again. It was never right. I fall every time. The sooner I get back up the sooner I fall again. I keep on sinking deeper and no ones there to lift me back up again. No one knows what it's like. Everyone just hates me. No one really knows me. No one ever will.

I opened up my umbrella. My only protection from the falling rain. I ran towards the cafe in the corner. My favourite cafe. I wandered over to where a grinning Monroe sat. She was happy. I didn't blame her.

"Guess what I did today." She told me.

I shook my head. I absolutely hate guessing games.

"I visted Bosco."

The guilt lay before me and I blinked, "Oh."

"Is that all you can say?" She asked.

I blinked,"So what did he say?" I asked.

She grinned,"You mean, what he say about you?" She told me. I didn't answer. She didn't need me too,"He asked if you made it through okay."

I paused. Just for a moment,"What did you tell him?"

"That you would tell him yourself when you visted tomorrow."

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets,"You what!" I yelled.

She started laughing,"Calm down I was joking. I told him you were fine. The only one whose not shaken up."

"What he he say?" I asked.

She smiled,"Well he laughed and said, that's the Cruz I know."

"So he's not angry with me?" I asked.

She frowned,"Why would he be angry with you?"

My eyebrows narrowed but I didn't say a word.

"Is that why you haven't visted him? Because you think he's angry with you."

I lowered my gaze. No one would understand.


	2. Fallen Dreams

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.

Chapter 2

Fallen dreams

I never knew how cold it was outside. I'm hanging on a thread and I know it will break at any moment. Everything's just so fake. All the smiles, all the happiness. It's not really there. It's never really there. I wish someone had warned me. Told me how cold it was, held my hand. Guided me through everything that's happening. I can't get to sleep anymore. When I close my eyes, all I see is you. Your haunting me. Following me. But I don't want you to stop. Your face, it's comforting. If I wanted to fly would you give me your wings? Your in my heart. You always will be. Even if I can't see. Even if you can't. You always will be. Just don't steal it away.

"Cruz, he's not angry with you," Monroe told me as she sipped her coffee.

I shook my head, "Did he say that?" I pointed out.

She paused, "No but..."

I interuppted her, "There you go. You don't understand Monroe. You don't know what we've been through. What he's been through. It's all my fault,"

She put her hand on my hand, "What happened is not your fault,"

I pulled away. I don't want to get close to anyone, "I'm sinking Monroe, I'm sinking and I don't know if I can swim to shore,"

We both paused. I had never told anyone exactly what I felt before. A tear fell silently from my left eye. I brushed it away. "How did I end up like this?" I asked.

Her forehead crinkled up and she tilted her head to the side, "What ever your going through Cruz, I'll help you get through it, just tell me why your so upset,"

I let out a long deep breath and closed my eyes. I could feel people staring and I suddenly felt so alone.

"Your not alone," Monroe told me like she read my mind.

A weak smile brushed across my face and I whispered, "Thank you,"

She smiled back at me and I brung my coffee to my lips. The hot liquid poured down my throat and I smiled.

I walked to work the next day. It wasn't raining but it was still cold. Too cold. I walked through the open doors and went to my locker. Ty approached me. And I was wondering why.

"So Sasha say's your looking for a councillor," Ty told me.

My blood turned ice cold and I blinked, "Excuse me," I said.

The whole room could feel the bad vibes a mile away.

Ty went to repeat himself but I put up my hand, "I heard you," I said coldly,

"Anyway, I know this really grea..."

I interuppted him, "I don't know what Monroe has told you but I do not need to see a councillor,"

"Shit, Ty,"

I turned around to find Monroe with her hands to her face, "I'm sorry Cruz, I didn't mean,"

I put up my hand, "I trusted you," I said coldly. A bunch of eyes were on me, "What the hell are you looking at?" I said loudly. They all went back to their usual business.

"Cruz I'm.."

"Yeah whatever," I told her as I walked out of the room. And there I go again. I kept on walking. I walked right out of those doors. I heard voices yell behind me, "Cruz! What are you doing?" But I just ignored them and I kept on walking.

-

I walked all the way to the god damn hospital. I don't know why but I just did.

"What room is Maurice Boscorelli in?" I asked the lady at the counter.

"Sorry but visting times are over," She told me.

I blinked, "What room is Maurice Boscorelli in!" I shouted.

"Room number 189,"

"Thank you," I said softly as I turned around. I walked down the corridor, 176, 178, 180. I turned around the corner, 182, 184, 186 ,188. I turned to my left. There it was 189. I flung the doors open and stormed into his room.

"Okay, I'm here! It wasn't that hard!" I turned around and opened the door and yelled out, "I'm here now! You can leave me alone!" And then I slammed the door.

"Uh...hey," A voice said.

My eyes went wide and I turned around. It was his room but for some reason I never thought he would be in here. I looked at his face and closed my eyes. The same one.

"Hi," I said as I sat down on one of the chairs.

"I was wondering when you'd vist," He said.

"Yeah, me too," I told him.

"So, I'm guessing things at work aren't going that well," He said.

"You could say that," I replied, "So, when are you getting out of here?" I asked.

He shrugged, "Good question. I don't know,"

I nodded and then paused, "Bosco, I'm sorry,"

"Yeah, me too," Was his reply.

I looked at him strangely, "What for?" I asked.

"For everything that happened between us. I blamed you when it wasn't your fault. I treated you like shit when you were...raped, I.."

I interuppted him, "Say it again,"

He looked at me strangely, "Uh, it wasn't your fault. I treated you like..."

"No, the bit about me being...raped," A smile crossed my face, "There, I said it,"

He looked at me strangely, "Are you okay?" He asked.

I shook my head but smiled, " Don't be sorry Bos, it was my fault. If I hadn't of been so stupid..."

"Stupid? Trust me Cruz you aren't stupid. I'm just sorry things didn't work out between us,"

I nodded and then Faith came into the room. She came in with a bunch of flowers and set them on his desk, "Hi baby," She said as she planted a kiss on his lips.

"Hi lamb chops," Bosco replied.

I gulped. This was unbelievable.

Bosco raised an eyebrow, "Oh sorry Cruz did I forget to tell you. Me and Faith are getting married as soon as I get out of here."

I woke up with sweat pouring down my face.

"That was a really bad dream," I said out loud. I walked to my phone and pressed the button.

"One new message," It said out loud. I pressed play.

"Cruz, if you can hear this I am so sorry. I told Ty, I totally betrayed your trust. Please, please, please forgive me," I quickly deleted Monroe off speed dial. My silent way of getting back at people. So that bit wasn't a dream. I must of come back here instead of gone to the hospital. There is no way I am going to the hospital. What if it was true! Lamb chop! Oh my god! I seriously should lay off the coffee. I paced up and down my room. Thinking...

But it doesn't help. It just brings it all back.


	3. Fallen Memories

_Fallen Angel_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters._

_Chapter 3_

_Fallen Memories_

Do you ever have those dreams that get worse and worse every night? I've been having this dream lately. Well, it's not really a dream, more like a memory. I'm in a dark room, then it get's light. I can hear things falling, then guns shooting. It was the hosiptal that day. The one when you found out that it wasn't my fault. Sometimes I think it was but you found out that day. It was Mann...

_"Oh my god! Bosco!" Faith yelled as she removed his hand from her waist and turned over._

_I remember feeling like I was going to throw up. He was drowning. Practiclly drowning in his own blood. I wanted to help him. I wanted to take him far from here but I couldn't. I was lost. Confused and lost. I didn't know what was happening. All I remember is bullets. Lots of bullets. Shattered windows. Screaming. Glass flying every where. Pain. Screaming. Nightmares. Blood. Lots of blood._

_I closed my eyes and everything stopped. Just for a moment. Then it was like everything was in slow motion. Me helping Faith pull Bosco out of gun shot. Trying to do the best we can. I remember staring at him. The trail of blood closely following us. All the blood. _

_"I'll go and get help," I told her. So I did. I went to get help. I followed all the screaming. All the pain. All the memories._

_"Officer down! Officer down!" I yelled. Taking them to where Bosco lay. I bit my tongue. Bosco had gone down for Faith. Bosco had gone down for Faith. For Faith. _

_I pointed at the stiff body of Bosco as Faith lay there crying. I wanted to punch her. Scream in her face. It's all your fault! He went down for you!_

_But she wasn't to know. It wasn't her fault. Stupid Bosco, always trying to be the hero. I sat down on the chair. Watching as they carried Bosco away. Faith kept muttering about his mother and I just sat there. No one came up to me. I just sat there like a idiot. An idiot that won't cry. I stared at my hands. They were covered in blood._

_"Cruz, are you allright?" Monroe asked me._

_I shook my head and showed her my hands, "All the blood," I muttered._

_She looked at me strangely, "Cruz, there is no blood on your hands,"_

_I shook my head again and stared at my hands. They were dripping with blood. I couldn't even see my finger nails anymore. It was all my fault. Lettie, Mikey and now Bosco. Me and my stupid ego. The blood was getting thicker. My breath's were getting deeper. I stood up._

_"Cruz, you need to sit down,"_

_I smirked. No one tells me what to do. I carried myself out of the room. The man I killed lay dead on the floor. Too much blood. I stepped over him. Eyes wide open. Faith was screaming. A girl somewhere was calling. Bosco was dying. And I had his blood all over my hands. _

I burried my head in my hands. Nightmares, memories, there all the same. "Just leave me alone," I cried. But no one could hear me. No one would ever hear me. But it was over. Prison, the cover up. Bosco was getting better.

But not me. Not Cruz. Cruz would never get shaken up over anything. She wouldn't let it get to her. Wouldn't she Monroe?

No one knows me. I thought she did but no one knows me and no one ever will. Maybe Bosco did. Maybe he knew me. At least well enough to stay well away from me. The guy thought I was using him. Well, maybe I was. He was the only one there. The only one to take it away. The only shoulder to cry on.

He doesn't love me. He never did. He went down for Faith. For Faith. Not for Cruz. Never for Cruz. I hate Faith. I absolutely hate her. She shot me first. She shot me, what was I supposed to do? Then I tried to be nice to her. On the rooftop, I tried small talk. It takes alot for Cruz to be nice to someone and I tried. But no. She got all mad. Then she got promoted to Detective. I mean seriously, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Everyone I meet have like a thing against me. It's like they knew me in a past life or something. I'm just joking but nobody ever wants to get to know me. Or is maybe that I just don't let them. That's probably right. No one really knows me.

I stood up and went over to the kitchen sink. I lathered my hands up with soap and turned on the cold water. Too much blood.

Suddenly the phone rang and I quickly dried my hands.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Cruz, this is Lieutenant Miller."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Where were you today?" He asked.

"Not at work," I told him.

"Yeah, I kind of guessed that. What the hell do you take me for Cruz?" He asked.

I didn't answer. I didn't have too. But he asked again anyway.

"Just answer the question Cruz,"

"I had to go out,"

"I thought I told you Cruz that you couldn't do anything without my consent,"

I laughed in my head. Who does he think I am?

I was about to say something rude when I though better of it.

"Uh, sorry?" I asked like it was a question. Well, I didn't know what he wanted me to say.

"Wow, that's a first," He replied.

"Uh, see you tomorrow Lieutenant," I said before hanging up the phone.

I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes. Isn't life just perfect?


	4. Fallen Chances

**_Fallen Angel_**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. **

**Chapter 4**

**_Fallen Chances_**

**I suppose every now and then we are given second chances. How come I've never gotten mine?I never had another chance to save Lettie. Once she was gone. She was gone. Thats all there was to it.**

**Then there was Warner. Did I get a second chance to stop him from doing what he did to me?**

**No.**

**Because that's just not my style. I do things wrong. I muck everything up. It's just all weighing my shoulder down. Every day it get's that little bit heavier and I'm just waiting for the day that it will stop. **

**"Cruz, are you listening?" A faint voice called.**

**All my realtionships, gone down the drain.**

**"Cruz, your under arrest for the murder of Donald Mann,"**

**Then there was prison. **

**For the first time in my life I hadn't done anything wrong.**

**But of course, I was punished for it.**

**"Cruz, are you listening?"**

**Of course I was. I just didn't believe any of it.**

**Well, that was until they put me in hand cuff's.**

**"Get off me!"**

**Most people when they heard the Cruz was going to jail probably said.**

**"Yeah? Cruz can handle it though,"**

**Can I? **

**Maybe.**

**Maybe not.**

**But I have no choice.**

**Sometimes I think. I have no one. So is my life worth living? Of course I say no but I can wait. I can wait for someone to come into my life and I swear, this time I won't muck it up.**

**I won't.**

**I can't.**

**So I cry.**

**Then I stop.**

**Cause I don't cry. It's not my style.**

**"Get off of me!" I screamed.**

**But nobody heard me. **

**I could of yelled out.**

**"Faith! Faith did it!"**

**But I didn't. She deserved it however.**

**She was a bitch to me. She shot me first and then when I tried to be nice to her she told me that we ain't friends.**

**Who would want to be friends with her anyway. I didn't shout it out.**

**I was going to go down for her.**

**What the hell am I doing?**

**"Maritza Cruz. You have the right to remain silent,"**

**I shook my head slightly and looked at all the faces.**

**Most of them were looking to the ground. **

**Stupid cowards. Can't even face the facts.**

**I felt the cold metal slip around my wrists. **

**I shuddered.**

**I could see Faith in the corner.**

**Was I going to dob her in?**

**Who does she take me for?**

**She looked at me.**

**Eyes drowning in unseen tears.**

**You see, she was crying on the inside.**

**I thought I was the only one who did that.**

**She mouthed the words, "I'm sorry,"**

**Whatever.**

**Like thats going to change anything.**

**Rain poured down like bullets on the car. Bullets falling fast. Trying to clean the dirty ground. But bullets don't wash anything away, they just make it worse.**

**I watched as the rain tried to wash everything away. Wash all the pain, all the memories. But it just doesn't work.**

**The car jerked forward and soon enough I was pushed out of the car. Gripping my arm tightly they stormed me over to the prison.**

**"You can't put me in there,"**

**But they did.**

**I made a mental list of names on my bad list.**

**Two women eyed me suspicously. I turned around.**

**This was just great. Just perfect. I couldn't think of anything else better then this.**

**"Cruz! Cruz! Come on! Come on!" A man yelled.**

**Even better. **

* * *

...  
... 

**I skimmed my finger over my cheek.**

**The bruise was still raw and sore.**

**I looked at the tight space I was being held in. **

**I waited and watched as the darkness consumed me.**

**Watching me.**

**Waiting for me.**

**Laughter in the shadows crept closer.**

**I wanted to get out.**

**I needed to get out.**

**"Cruz, your no good,"**

**I closed my eyes.**

**"Cruz, your a worthless bitch,"**

**I shook my head.**

**"Cruz! I need a next of kin,"**

**"I don't have one,"**

**"Cousin, Aunt?"**

**Sister.**

**"I understand the concept, I don't have any,"**

**"That's right Cruz, your all alone,"**

**I banged my fist against the wall. I yelped in pain as my fist started burning.**

**"Get me out of here," I cried to myself.**

**I could feel the walls close in on me. Something I had never experienced before. I was afraid. For the first time in my life I was actually afraid.**

**But no one could hurt me. Nobody could get in.**

**"I can get in Cruz," A voice chuckled.**

**No.**

**Leave me alone.**

**I won't let you.**

**I felt the shadows creep up my skin and dissolve into my body. I clenched my sore fists. I could feel my nails dig into my skin. **

**The door opened slowly.**

**I got up, prepared for anything.**

**I lunged at the body that made its way through.**

**Hate and anger filled me.**

**"You do not want to beat up a CO. Especially one who came to tell you that you're out of here,"**

**What?**

**I'm out of here?**

**I let go of her arm and slowly followed her.**

**I was out.**

**I told you so. But that was too quick. Something must of happened. **

**Faith.**

**No, she wouldn't.**

**I learnt two lessons that day.**

**One. That you should never let life just pass you by. Thats what I did. Sometimes I thought, what if no one saved me. What if I had to stay here for the rest of my life? But I don't think about that.**

**Two. Never make enemies that you might meet up with one day. Especially when you least expect it.**

**But it was fun.**

**Who am I kidding?**

**Does anyone know how many people knew me in there? How many people actually deserved it? I put these people's families behind bars. I don't even remember their names.**

**Does that make me great?**

**But they were behind bars for a reason.**

**Wait.**

**I was behind bars.**

**I didn't even do anything.**

**No.**

**I can't think about it.**

**Theres no use.**

**I gently rubbed the bruise on my cheek. Tripped over my ties to the community my arse.**

**The rain was getting lighter now. **

**A tear escaped from my eye. I brushed it away.**

**Come on Maritza. What are you doing? You don't cry. Crying's for wimps. **

**But you've cried before. You've cried alot. Though, no one see's it.**

**Thats cause you don't want anyone to.**

**Well, thats a great excuse.**

**The bus jerked forward. I stood up as the door's opened and walked through them.**

**Freedom.**

**It sure didn't smell that great.**

**"Cruz!" A voice called.**

**I turned around.**

**Faith.**

**Yup, I was so not expecting that.**


	5. Fallen Chances pt 2

**Fallen Angel**

**Chapter 5**

"Fuck off," I told her. Spitting the words out like posion.

"Cruz," She said gently.

"Fuck off!" I screamed, getting piercing looks from late night strollers.

"I just don't get it Cruz. I just don't get it,"

"Thats too fuckin bad!" I screamed, "Now leave me the hell alone!"

"You have split personalities Cruz. One minute your going to prison for me and the next...the next your screaming your head off like a fuckin banshee!"

I shook my head and laughed, "What the hell are you trying to say?"

"I just don't get you Cruz."

"You don't have too,"

"You have a point."

I bit the tip of my tongue, pinning it down.

"Why Cruz? Why the hell didn't you take me down? You had a chance Cruz! You had the chance of a lifetime to bring me down!"

I shook my head. She was acting like she wanted me to dob her in. Now I don't get it.

"I would of been charged as well," I told her.

"Don't give me that crap. We both know damn well you could of lied your way out of that one. Now tell me the truth!"

"I don't rat out on fuckin cops okay!" I screamed.

"We both know theres more to that!" She screamed right back.

"Look, we both know that were never going to be friends. So why in hell are you doing this?"

She stopped. Short of breath. Right then and there drops of rain fell from the sky. It started getting heavier.

"I don't rat out on cops," I said.

"No matter what you do. No matter how nice you are to me or to him. It will never make up for what you've done,"

More drops of rain fell down my face. Silent and cold. It took me a moment to realise that the rain on my face wasn't rain at all.

"I don't know what your talking about," I lied.

"Look. I never asked you to cover for me. I know why you did it and I'm just saying. You had weeks to vist him. Months even. But did you? Nah. And this might make up for everything in your mind but not in the real world Cruz. Not in the real world. Bosco's like a brother to me and those days when he was seeing you. He was like a puppy on a leash. It wasn't love. It wasn't even close to it. But anyway Cruz, I appreciate what you did. I really do. Yeah, I know you didn't do this for me but I know where your coming from. "

I laughed.

"Don't think for one second that you know me. You don't know me Yokas. I've seen more then you'll ever see. I know more then you'll ever know. I don't like you. The whole fuckin world knows that. But don't you fuckin think for one second that you know my whole life, front to back!"

"My life is shit right now Cruz! My partner nearly died, my husband left me, my kids don't even want to know me and I got promoted for killing someone. But don't you walk around thinking that you have the worst of it. You don't know what its like."

"Fuck you Yokas! Why are you turning this into a fuckin competition? You don't know what its like and all that crap. Your not worth it."

I turned my back on her. Heading in the wrong direction.

"Not worth what Cruz? Come on, give me all you got."

I turned around. Storming right up to that bitch's face.

"Your not fuckin worth it!" I screamed. Tears rolling down my face, "Fuck you Yokas. Fuck you,"

Wind wrapped around my face as I pushed the window shut. My hair fell loosely around my face and I collapsed onto my chair. Was Faith right? Was that the reason why I covered for her? Did I do it for him? I never really thought about it like that. I just don't rat out on cops.

But if she was right.

If.

Would that mean that he never really cared about me. It felt like he did. Sometimes it did. During one night. I seriously thought he cared about me. Like there was one person that actually cared about me. So, was I wrong? Was what I did wrong?

Well I suppose I deserved every word she spat at me. I deserve allot of things. But thats just me.

* * *

* * *

"What happened to Cruz, Monroe?" Faith asked.

Monroe put her bagel down, "What are you talking about?" She asked.

"What happened to Cruz?" Faith asked again.

"She got sent to prison for murder, remember?"

"Before that."

"Well, she had a kid sister who got killed by drugs," Monroe told her.

"No, after that,"

"Oh," Was all Monroe managed to say.

'Sasha, its just that I think I said some things that I shouldn't of said,"

"Oh,"

"Please? You owe me," Faith joked.

Jolts of guilt iht Monroe for the first time then and there.

"When Cruz was working undercover. To um...put these guys behind bars she got...um...she was...Look Faith, I really can't!"

"She got what Monroe? She was..." Faith said.

"She was raped." Monroe said quietly, "Undercover. She was..."

Faith put her hand up.

"Its okay. Thanks Sasha. I'm so fuckin stupid,"

* * *


End file.
